Thursday joke

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas.

My, is it Thursday already?

It'd better be because I'm planning to watch Bones.

Stephen King's Bones?

tv series Bones

nothing to do with King.

Pardon moi, thought you meant Bag of bones, starting this weekend. /miniseries/

Hello. I am looking for a person who wants write English e-mails to somebody. It would be nice way to improving our skills. If You want to be in touch from time to time, I am waiting for Your answer. My e-mail adress is: [email]
Dragon :-)

Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.

[shaking head]
this is something my 9-year old would regale me with.

What can I say? I'm in touch with my inner child :)

Good word, by the way. Regale.

reminds me of that other favourite boy-joke:
What's long and hard and full of " simən"

Wait for it....
a submarine

What does a tennis pro promise their sponsor?
'to serve and volley'

Papa and baby tomatoe were out for a walk. Baby seemed to be moving rather slow and falling behind. So papa turned around, walked back, squished him, and said: ketchup!

Not another "groaner"; I can't take it.

OK, I have a better one. It's actually a yahoo user comment/story.

The husband comes home in the evening and sees his wife watching a cooking show on TV.
- Why do you always watch these shows? You can't cook to save your life.
- So what? You always watch porn films.

This one is from 'funny' on reddit :)

"I knew this clergyman who went to Berkley. He told me this story over drinks one night.
His first week at Berkley, he asks someone on campus,
"Hey, would you tell me where the library is at?"

The guy responds, "This is Berkley, we don't end our sentences with prepositions."

And my friend responds, "Fine. Would you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

This one is ‘better’:

“The other Morgenbesser story - the one in which he got arrested - hinges on the fact that he had a thick Bronx accent. At one point (so the story goes) he stepped onto the stairs leading to a subway platform in New York in order to get out of the wind and light his cigar. Smoking wasn't permitted in the subway, and a police officer who saw him came over to stop him.

Morgenbesser argued that he wasn't actually going into the subway, just the stairs, so his cigar wouldn't bother anyone, to which the officer replied "what if everybody did that?"

To the philosopher, this sounded like a categorical imperative argument, and so, in his thick Bronx accent, he said to the officer "who do you think you are, Kant?" Unfortunately that's not how it sounded to the officer, who was more familiar with vulgar insults than with German philosophers.”

what start's with "p" and ends with "orn" (blame Ewa, she started it)?

popcorn
my 12-year old (of cheerleader fame) shared that one with me recently

He much prefers popcorn to... Means he's grown up already. :)

@sav
reminds me of a story my dad shared with me.
While lying wounded in a field hospital after being wounded at Montecassino (as a 17-year old...shudder), my dad wanted to have his uniform pressed.
He caught the attention of an English nurse and tried to communicate his "desire".
Since he couldn't communicate in English, he gestured and used the Polish word "kant".
Poor guy got his face slapped. He was obviously clueless as to why, but his older army buddies filled him in.
:)

That happens:) I've heard quite the same 'joke' about " I'm at your cervix, ma'am":)

Thanks for the update , just in case.

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he
turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he
noticed that five old men were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and
terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower
than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two
miles an hour!" the old man said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car ok? These men seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."

Heard of recently coined noun ? It's "schettino':)
If you do a schettino, you make a boat capsize while flirting with a dumb Kewpie Doll.

http://www.mediafire.com/?98z21lc733slg5f

I named this file "appropriately".

The dumbest analogies ever written:

"It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools."

I like this one especially :

"He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

Some time ago I wrote the similar one ( but 'better') about a Chinese couple.:)

Easter joke:

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.


http://tinyurl.com/hotcrossbunnies

You fathered an illegitimate child while working ‘late at the office’ during the hiring.
How would you call the brat ? An affirmative action kid.

All rights reserved.You won’t find it anywhere.

It's not really Thursday and it's not really a Thursday joke. It may seem too dull for some either, hence readers discretion is advised. It's up on specgram :

Dear Sir or Madam of the Committee d’chercher:

God I am so frikkiŋ awesome. It’s hard for you to conceive of this, as a mere mortal, but I will dispense some wisdom to you out of kindness. This will assist you in understanding why you need not consider further applicants for the position of Assistant Track Professor in your department of Satirical Linguistics, as inadvertently revealed on the Linguistics Academic Job Wiki. I am currently ABJ in linguistics at the Most Auspicious Order of the Rajamitrabhorn. I expect you to defend your decision to hire me by July 2012, and you should plan to submit to my demands by September 2012.

One reason I’m awesome is that I’m the best teacher ever. Not just the best there’s ever been. I’m the best there ever will be. I taught Jesus how to walk on water. And yet, my skills at cultivating insights in my pupils are so immense that he never even knew that’s how he learned it. My instructional methods consist principally of muse-like serendipity, awe-inspiration, and group work. As you may manage to note from careful perusal of my application packet, carved into a single tusk of mammoth ivory, I have never received less than a 6, on a 1-5 course evaluation scale. My student feedback has consistently been more impressive than anything your own pitiful children could come up with, unless they took my courses.

My research dwarfs yours. I am a frikkiŋ genius. My intellect is the cause of black holes. I am funded by the most prestigious of institutions, the universe itself. Repeatedly. My analysis of counter-junctive trijacency builds the Taj Mahal. My work on slurping constructions has landed on the moon.

to be continued...

Furthermore, my recently completed dissertation on L4 phronetics and phrenology is poised to revolutionize the field. Three anonymous reviewers have independently described it as supplanting the book of Mormon as successor to the Tao Te Ching. One half-dozen representatives from major publication houses are currently fighting to the death for the privilege to copy-edit.

Once hired at [your institution], I would look forward to devouring human knowledge to hasten Ragnarok, as well as fruitful collaboration with your faculty. And by fruitful collaboration, I mean literally cornucopias. It will be like a fruit-salad forest just dumped the wealth of its treasure trove onto your outstretched hands in time of need. I will subsequently mend the resulting broken fingers as well, in exchange for tenure.
I AM THE BRINGER OF ALL PERFECTION. Quod Ego Demonstravi.
You may bow to my will via email, using the address enclosed. I await your response.
Wendy Ben-Ettliat, Esq.

---------------------------------

Dear Wendy,
Thanks for the letter of application. If only we had a position to offer. Unfortunately, these tactics have been tried on us before, and we fell for it—now he’s the frikkiŋ Managing Editor. Never again. However, those rubes over at Language will fall for almost anything.
—Eds.

Joe and John were identical Newfie twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could form the sunken vessel and was out of touch all the day and most of the evening.
Unbeknowned to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick a few things at the grocery,
a kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss, u must feel terrible".
Joe , thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sorta glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.

The old woman fainted!

hello i'm a student and i have a huge request for you. I prepared a survey about language play in advertising slogans. If you happen to have some spare time, please fill in this survey :)
LANGUAGE PLAY IN ADVERTISING

This questionnaire includes the most frequent types of wordplay that you can find in English advertisements. The questionnaire is divided into two parts. The first part focuses on specific language play whereas the second part concerns general attitude towards the wordplay. There are multiple-choice questions. Please, circle one or more answers.

I.
1. The following slogans are based on idioms. Do you find them:
a) humorous
b) catchy
c) creative
d) sophisticated
e) clever
f) unique
g) memorable
h) challenging
i) meaningless
j) needless
k) boring
l) irritating
m) terrible
n) other…………

One swallow makes a summer -Italian wine. (IDIOM: One swallow does not make a summer-You should not assume that something is true just because you have seen one piece of evidence for it).
The BERD’S in hand- The Bank of European Reconstruction and Development. (IDIOM: a bird in hand is worth two in the bush- Having something for certain is better than the possibility of getting something better)
Make your website work harder. But don’t break your balls doing it- Services of PNC Tele.com. (IDIOM: don’t break balls doing sth- try very hard to do sth)
You pay through the nose when you buy trainers, so why do the same when you wear them- Nike. (IDIOM: pay through the nose-to pay too much for something).

2. The following slogans are based on rhyme. Do you find them:
a) humorous
b) catchy
c) creative
d) sophisticated
e) clever
f) unique
g) memorable
h) challenging
i) meaningless
j) needless
k) boring
l) irritating
m) terrible
n) other…………

The flavour of a Quaver is never known to weaver- Quaver.
A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play- Mars.
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking-Timex.
Nothing sucks like an Electrolux- Vacuum cleaner.

3. The following slogans are based on alliteration. Do you find them:
a) humorous
b) catchy
c) creative
d) sophisticated
e) clever
f) unique
g) memorable
h) challenging
i) meaningless
j) needless
k) boring
l) irritating
m) terrible
n) other…………

The best four by four by far- Land Rover.
You’ll never put a better bit of butter on your knife- Country Life Butters.
Functional…Fashionable…Formidable- Fila.
Don’t dream it. Drive it.- Jaguar.

4. The following slogans are based on puns. Do you find them:
a) humorous
b) catchy
c) creative
d) sophisticated
e) clever
f) unique
g) memorable
h) challenging
i) meaningless
j) needless
k) boring
l) irritating
m) terrible
n) other…………

Coke refreshes you like no other can- Coca Cola (can has double meaning: modal verb/an aluminium tin).
Spoil yourself and not your figure- Ice cream ( spoil has double meaning : enjoy oneself to the heart’s content/destroy one’s body figure).
Mum’s taking us to legoland. She’s an absolute brick- Lego. ( brick has a double meaning: a small block of plastic or wood used by children for building things/a nice helpful person).
Try our sweet corn, you’ll smile from ear to ear- Sweet Corn ( ear here has a double meaning: organ of hearing/seed bearing part of cereal).
Good mornings follow a good Nytol- Nytol sleeping pills (nytol is similarly pronounced as night).
Seven up...The uncola. The un and only- Seven up (the un and only is similarly pronounced as the one and only).
Silly Rabit, Trix are for kids!- Trix Cereal (trix is similarly pronounced as tricks).
Look deep into our ryes- Wigler’s Bakery (ryes is similarly pronounced as eyes).
Make your every hello a real good-buy- NEAX Telephone (good-buy is similarly pronounced as good-bye).
Two beer or not to beer, that’s the question- Shakesbeer. ( beer is similarly pronounced as be).
Absolut magic- Absolut Vodka. (the brand name absolut is similarly pronounced as the word absolute).
When it pours, it reigns- Michelin tires. ( reign is similarly pronounced as rain)

II.
1. In general, do you consider wordplay in advertising as:
a) an effective method of catching the recipients’ attention
b) a persuasive method of generating sales
c) helpful for memorizing a slogan
d) unconvincing
e) disturbing the message of an advertisement
f) requiring too much time to process a hidden meaning
g) other………