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Dear Sir Brown,
I am writing to you regarding a condition of our school’s building which is unacceptable. There has been no money invested in renovating the schoolhouse for a long time. I would like to point out the most important difficulties and possibility solutions.
We feel honoured that we can be a student at an antique school such ours, but we are fed up with sitting in cold classrooms. These conditions have affected some student’s health. One solution might be to insulate the windows. It is an inexpensive investment but it allow to care about our health and well-being.
Secondly, the sports field is in apalling state. We can not play football on the grounds that the grass is run-down and there is no goals. Furthermore, the playground is not used now on account of numerous damages such as a holey slide and a rusty swing which can be very unsafe for young children. I definitely believe that opportunity of spending breaks outdoor have an impact on student’s mood and positive attitude towards school and learning.
I feel it is essential to mention about the uncomfortable and badly-decorated chairs and tables. They have a negative effect on learners’ spine. Moreover, the walls are need of renovation. They are dingy and dilapidated.
It would be in everyone’s interests to improve condition of our school’s building. We are aware that it is not easy to renovate whole building, therefore we would like to assist in renovation works and collect money for rebuild!
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
XYZ

Dear 'Sir Brown' (nie wiem dlaczeego tutaj to jest tak napisane, wg mnie, albo Dear Sir, albo Mr. Brown),
I am writing to you regarding 'a' (nie, tutaj masz zly przedimek) condition of our 'school’s' (nie, tutaj tylko 'school') building which is unacceptable. There has been no money invested in renovating the 'schoolhouse' (nie, moze wystarczy 'the school') for a long time. I would like to point out the most important difficulties and 'possibility' (zla czesc mowy) solutions.
We feel honoured that 'we can be a student' (nie moze tak byc, jak piszesz 'we' to znaczy ze to jest l. mnoga, to wtedy 'student' musi tez byc w l. mnogiej) at an 'antique' (poszukaj inny synonim) school such (brak slowa) ours, but we are 'fed up' (za bardzo kolokw - cos innego) with sitting in cold classrooms. These conditions have affected 'some student’s' (tutaj wyglada tak jakbys pisal o jednym studencie, trzeba to inaczej) health.
It is an inexpensive investment but it 'allow' (ale czasow. reg. 2 3os.l.poj maja inna koncowke) to care about our health and well-being.
Secondly, the sports field is in (brak przedimka) apalling state. We can not play football on the grounds 'that' (to slowo mi nie pasuje tutaj) the grass is run-down and there 'is' (zle chyba tam sa 2 goals-to wtedy l. mnoga) no goals. Furthermore, the playground is not used now on account of numerous damages such as a 'holey' (nie rozumiem tego slowa) slide and a rusty swing which can be very unsafe for young children. I definitely believe that (przedimek) opportunity of spending (tutaj brakuje przedimka) breaks outdoorS 'have' (ale to musi sie zgadzac z 'opportunity' - tutaj 'has') an impact on 'student’s' (jak myslisz o wiecej jak jednym to l. mnoga) mood and (przedimek) positive attitude towards school and learning.
They have a negative effect on learners’ 'spine' (tutaj l. mnoga). Moreover, the walls are (brak slowa) need of renovation.
It would be in everyone’s 'interests' (tutaj l. poj) to improve (przedimek) condition of our school’s building. We are aware that it is not easy to renovate (przedimek) whole building, therefore we would like to assist in (przedimek) renovation works and collect money for (przedimek) rebuild!

school’s building
rebuild = odbudowa