Proszę o sprawdzenie krótkiej pracy do szkoły: - )

Miałem napisać krótki głos na temat gier komputerowych na lekcje. Jeśli ktoś sprawdziłby mi to, byłbym wdzięczny.

Students who play computer games account for 70% of youth. Most of them don't notice any problems in it. According to me, it can be a problem in some cases.
To begin with, it depents on point of view. For students this kind of entertainment has a lot of advantages. First of all, they don't have to go out, so they don't waste any time on getting to disco for example. Moreover, they can play everywhere they want to - even if they are not at their homes, they can use mobile phones or notebooks. If they are good players, they even have an opportunity to earn some money playing computer games - some people are ready to pay them a big number of money for a valuable character.
Despite the fact it seem to be the best way of relaxing for some of us, we can't forget about disadventages of computer games which are clearly for me. A big social problem is that a lot of people are addicted to games, and a number of them are getting bigger and bigger every year. With advertismets in every city and newspaper it isn't very difficult for company to encourage young people to buy new game, especially if the price is not very big and a lot of parents are able to afford that.
If I had to summarize my opinion, I would say taht this sort of spending spare time has both advantages and disadvantages. Even though it often seem to be OK if a young people spend a lot of time in front of computer, on no account are parents allowed to let them to play computer games more than 1 hour a day.

I znowu te przeimki - poszukaj to w ksiazce i naucz sie gdzie stawiamy 'a' a gdzie 'the' -
Students who play computer games account for 70% of 'youth' (napisz 'young people').
'According' (nie, nie za bardzo, 'according' to jest wiecej uzywane jak cytujemy autora studiow, tutaj wystarczy 'BUT) 'to' FOR me, 'it' (napisz do czego to sie odnosi) can be a problem in some cases.
To begin with, 'it' (do czego to 'it' sie odnosi?) 'depents' (ortog) on (ale czyjego? mojego? twojego?) point of view.
...have to go out, so they don't waste any time 'on' (kalka z polskiego 'na' tutaj inne slowo- ale Ci jego nie podam, sam poszukaj) getting to A disco 'for
example' (chciaz jak wole 'for example' w srodku zdania). s.
If they are good players, they even have an opportunity to earn some
money playing computer games - some people are ready to pay them a 'big
number' (nie to jest zle, tutaj trzeba ' a large amount) of money for a 'valuable character' (tego nie rozumiem).
Despite the fact THAT 'it' THIS seemS to be the best way of relaxing for some of
us, we can't forget about THE 'disadventages' (ortog) of computer games which are 'clearly' (zla czesc zdania- tutaj CLEAR) for me. A 'big' (poszukaj wiecej formalne slowo tutaj) social problem is that a lot of people are addicted to games, and 'a' THE number of them 'are' (IS-bo to ma sie laczyc z 'number'-l.poj) getting bigger and bigger every year. With 'advertismets' (ortog) in every city and newspaper it isn't very difficult for A company to encourage young people to buy new 'game' (tutaj l. mn), especially if the price is not 'very big' (nie, napisz, 'expensive') and a lot of parents are able
to afford that.
If I had to summarize my opinion, I would say 'taht' (ortog) this sort of
spending (tutaj brakuje pare slow) spare time has both advantages and disadvantages. Even though it often seem to be 'OK' (nie uzywaj tego w tekstach) if 'a young people' (nie, tutaj masz zle, albo 'if a yopung person' albo 'if young people') spend a lot of THEIR time in front of A computer, on no account 'are parents allowed' (tutaj jest zle-pomysl co napisales i popraw) to let them to play computer games FOR more than 1 hour a day.

Dzięki bardzo :-) Przymiki... już próbowałem, ale to jest dla mnie czarna magia, trzeba się bardziej postarać . W każdym razie bardzo mi pomogłaś, z tyloma błędami byłoby 2 ;d