Krótkie Opowiadanie "HERO" -spr.

Witam
Bardzo proszę o sprawdzenie poniższego krótkiego opowiadania, ewentualnie dodanie czegoś od siebie tak aby miało ręce i nogi.

Simon Roland was 10 years old when was becomming hero. One day he was playing on the beach near home. Simon was building sandy castles, when young man jump into water. A few minutes later Simon noticed young man who was drawning. He decided to help him. Simon swam 100 m. and reached young man who unfortunetly was unconscious. Simon pulled him back to the beach and phoned to emergency. Young man was recovering a little and thanked Simon for saving his life, then ambulance take him to hospital.

A co sie stalo z uzywaniem 'the' - czy juz tego w szkolach nie ucza - bo jak tak, to prosze to uzywac. To nie jest 'ozdoba', tylko wazny skladnik jez. ang

Simon Roland was 10 years old when (ale kto? brakuje tego) 'was' (niepotr) 'becomming' (zle slowo - zly czas) hero. One day he was playing on the beach near (ale czyjego znajomego? kolezanki? prosze nam to ujawnic)home. Simon was building 'sandy' SAND castles, when A young man 'jump' (tutaj simple past) into THE water. A few minutes later Simon noticed THAT THE young man 'who' (po co to?) was drawning.
Simon swam 100 m. and reached THE young man who 'unfortunetly' (ortog) was unconscious. Simon pulled him back to the beach and phoned 'to emergency' (ej? chyba FOR emergency services?). THEyung man 'was recovering' (simp,le past) a
little and thanked Simon for saving his life, then THE ambulance 'take' (simple past) him to THE hospital.

Poprawiłem:
Simon Roland was 10 years old when he become hero. One day he was playing on the beach near his home. Simon was building sand castles, when a young man jumped into the water. A few minutes later Simon noticed that the young man was drawning. Simon swam 100 m. and reached the young man who 'unfortunately was unconscious. Simon pulled him back to the beach and phoned for emergency services. The young man recovered a little and thanked Simon for saving his life, then the ambulance took him to the hospital.



Simon Roland was 10 years old when (ale kto? brakuje tego - podwójny podmiot ??) 'was' (niepotr- ok) 'becomming' (zle slowo - zly czas - ok) hero. One day he was playing on the beach near (ale czyjego znajomego? kolezanki? prosze nam to ujawnic - ok)home. Simon was building 'sandy' SAND castles, when A young man 'jump' (tutaj simple past - ok) into the water. A few minutes later Simon noticed THAT THE young man 'who' (po co to? sens:"kilka minut póxniej Simon zauważył młodego człowieka, który tonął") was drawning.
Simon swam 100 m. and reached THE young man who 'unfortunetly' (ortog - ok) was unconscious. Simon pulled him back to the beach and phoned 'to emergency' (ej? chyba FOR emergency services? tu nie wiedziałem bo jest "call the police"). THE young man 'was recovering' (simp,le past- ok) a little and thanked Simon for saving his life, then THE ambulance 'take' (simple past - ok) him to THE hospital.

Chciałbym napisać na końcu coś w stylu. Od tej pory Simon był bardziej odważny i nie bał się pomagać ludziom.

Jeszcze parę drobnych poprawek

...when he became A hero

A few minutes later Simon noticed THE YOUNG MAN drOwning.

the ambulance took him to hospital - w wersji brytyjskiej, bez przedimka określonego. Chyba, że nie udajesz się do szpitala w charakterze pacjenta, ale np. jako odzwiedzający chorego. W wersji amerykańskiej zawsze jest THE HOSPITAL.