rozprawka

Proszę bardzo o sprawdzenie rozprawki. Nie jest długa (i może też niezbyt ambitna). Z góry dziękuję! :)

Temat: Pasją współczesnej młodzieży są gry komputerowe. Napisz rozprawkę przedstawiającą dobre i złe strony spędzania wolnego czasu przy grach komputerowych.

Remember playing hide and seek or hop-scotch with your neighbours’ kids? Unfortunately nowadays it is uncommon to see such a view because the great majority of kids and teenagers are engrossed by computer games. Most parents are not concerned about this phenomenon though they should be.

First and foremost, most of the computer games are about the violence. They contain brutality, vulgarisms and scenes like from the best horror. Although on every box of the game is a stick with the age limitation it is not that hard for a young boy to convince his older brother or schoolmate to buy it for him. It was reported, few years ago, that a great number of players of this type of games are future criminalists and men with mental disease.

However not every game has such a worrying plot. One of the most popular computer game is FIFA in which a player create his own football team and impersonates in every football player. But is it really better? Sitting in front of the computer and playing in game which might have been played in outdoors with real team.

Beyond a shadow of doubt computer games are time-eaters. Yet there are some kind of them whom can help to spread teenagers knowledge. Games based on the historical facts and games which improve logical skills are, in my opinion, the only acceptable types of computer games for a young man.

Computer games are far more popular and desirable for teenagers these days. It could have been better only if parents called attention to the way their children spend their free time.

(zacznij zdanie od 'Do you', bo jak czyta sie tylko 'remember' to mnie wyskakuje tutaj jakis rozkaz)remember playing hide and seek or hop-scotch with your neighbours’ kids?

First and foremost, most of the computer games 'are about' (cos tu nie tak, one nie tylko sa o 'violence' ale pokazuja violence' a to juz cos innego) 'the' (niepotr) violence. They contain brutality, vulgarisms and scenes 'like' (nie uzywaj tego 'like' w ten sposob, napisz tutaj 'similar to') 'from' (niepotr) THOSE from the best horror (ale czego? musisz napisac 'films'). Although on (daj tutaj..'the outside of') every box 'of the game' (niepotr) is a stickER with the age limitation it is not that hard for a young boy to convince his older brother or (brak przedimka) schoolmate to buy it for him. It was reported, few years ago, that a great number of players of 'this type' THESE TYPES of games are future criminalists and men with mental diseaseS.

However not every game has such a 'worrying plot' (nie za bardzo tego lubie, poszukaj cos innego). One of the most popular computer gameS is FIFA in which a player createS (zapominasz o 3os.l.poj) his own football team and impersonates 'in' (niepotr) every football player. But is 'it' (napisz THAT) really better? Sitting in front of the computer and playing 'in' A game 'which might have been played in outdoors' (nie, tu cos nie tak, napisz, bo mysle ze tak chcesz przekazac, which could have been played outdoors with A real team of real people).

Beyond a shadow of (przedimek) doubt computer games are time-eaters. Yet there are some kindS 'of them' 'whom' ('whom' tylko o ludziach, napisz...which) can help to 'spread' (czy nie lepiej 'increase') A teenager's knowledge. Games based on 'the' (niepotr) historical facts and games which improve logical skills are, in my opinion, the only acceptable types of computer games for a young man.

'It could have been better only if parents called attention to the way their children spend their free time.' (cos nie za bardzo rozumiem tego zdania, nie wiem czy chcesz napisac, ze rodzice powinni wysylas dzieci na dwor/pole czy tylko sie interesowac jakie 'games' one graja?

1 - 'are about' - czyli mogłabym po prostu napisać show a lot of violence

2 - alarming plot? wydaje się to być bardzo dosłownym określeniem, ale o to mi w sumie chodzi

3 - Computer games are far more popular and desirable for teenagers these days. i po tym zdaniu chciałam dopisać, że gdyby tylko rodzice zainteresowali się, co też ich dzieci robią w czasie wolnym, to byłoby lepiej, gry komputerowe nie stałyby się najpopularniejszą formą spędzenia wolnego czasu, dzieciaki byłyby aktywne, zamiast siedzieć przed ekranem. If only parents called attention to the way their children spend their free time, computer games wouldn't become the most popular form of spending their leisure time.

ach! i dziękuję bardzo za sprawdzenie i pomoc :)

mam dodatkowe pytanie. bo do tej pory była przekonana, że rozprawka musi mieć od 250-300 słów. nie wiem, jak mi się to w głowie zakodowało, ale właśnie mnie oświeciło, że od 2[tel]jest zakres. ta powyżej ma 294 słowa. na stronie cke czytam, że za wypowiedź powyżej 300 słów jest 0 punktów za kompozycję. czy to oznacza, że za 294 jeszcze mi nie potrącą? mam nadzieję, że ktoś zna się na tym i mi pomoże.
na podstawie wpajano nam, że mamy 10% margines, który i tak w tym wypadku bym przekroczyła.