List formalny

Witam, proszę o sprawdzenie listu.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you because I need your help. I am 20 years old Polish student, but I have came to the Great Britain for my English language course. I am also attending in project about media, here. I need some information about small local radio station, because they would help me a lot in the project.
Especially I am interested in history of the station. For instance, when was it established? Also present news would be neccessary. How many journalists work there, who is the director? Please let me know who are the listeners of the station and how many are they?
I also would be grateful if I could visit the station. Could I also make an interview with the boss, please?
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
XYZ

Mam jeszcze drugi do sprawdzenia, proszę ocenić który jest lepszy :)
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you because I want to make a comment of the last article I have read in your magazine.
The article was about teenagers who are slowly taking their private life into the internet. I have read that in the "Bravo" magazine.
I cannot agree with the statement which says that teenagers slowly stop meeting in reality and prefer to chat on facebook. It is because most of my friends and I use facebook but only to arrange the meetings.
I use the internet quite often but just to inform my friends about something or to get some news from them. My private life on the internet is just to stay in conntact with friends and family and how I mentioned to arrange the meetings. I really prefer to talk with people face to face than chat with them but sometimes it is not possible and internet helps a lot.
I hope that my letter would be published soon in the magazine. Are similar articles going to be written in the next numbers?
I am waiting for your reply.
Yours faithfully,
XYZ

I am (brak przedimka) 20 years old Polish student, 'but' (nie rozumiem dlaczego tu jest 'but', moze bycv 'and') I have came to 'the' (niepotr) Great Britain for my English language course. I am also attending 'in' (zle slowo) project about media. 'here' (niepotr). I need some information about (brak przedimka) small local radio station, because they would help me 'a lot' (poszukaj inne okreslenie) in the project.
'Especially I am interested' (zla kolejnosc slow) in history of the station. For instance, when was it established?
'Also present news would be neccessary' (to wg mnie nie jest pelnym zdaniem). How many journalists work there, who is the 'director' (poszukaj inne slowo)? Please let me know who are the listeners of the station and how many are 'they' (zle slowo)?
'I also would be grateful' (zla kolej slow ..I would also be ..) if I could visit the station. Could I also 'make an' (niepotr) interview 'with' (niepotr) the boss, please?

I am writing to you because I want to make a comment 'of' (zle slowo, you make a comment ON something) the 'last' (niepotr) article I 'have' (niepotr) read in your (daj tutaj 'Bravo') magazine. (dodaj tutaj date, zeby bylo wszystko jasne...dated 17th May 2014)
The article 'was about' (nie, daj to inaczej...'refers to') teenagers who are slowly taking their private 'life' (wg mnie tu musi byc l. mnoga - teenagerS) into the internet. 'I have read that in the "Bravo" magazine' (to zdanie jest w zlym miejscu, dodaj 'Bravo' w pierwszym zdaniu).
I cannot agree with the 'statement' (daj inne slowo, np 'view') 'which says' (lepiej daj 'stating') that teenagers (daj tutaj 'are') slowly stopPING meeting in reality and prefer to chat on facebook. 'It' (zle slowo, napisz This) is because (daj tutaj slowo 'although') most of my friends and I use facebook (przecinek przed 'but') but only to arrange 'the' (niepotr) meetings.
I use the internet quite often (przecinek przed 'but') but just to inform my friends about something or to get some news from them. My private life on the internet 'is just to' (niepotr, daj to inaczej...consists of) stayING in conntact with friends and family and 'how I mentioned to' (niepotr) arrangING 'the' (niepotr) meetings. I really prefer to talk with people face to face than chat with them (ale gdzie? musisz napisac) (przecinek przed 'but') but sometimes it is not possible and internet helps a lot.
Are similar articles going to be written in the next 'numbers' (nie, slowo jest 'issues')?

Dziękuję za tak szybką i wyczerpującą odpowiedź:)