List z zażaleniem

Temat przeniesiony do archwium.
Witam serdecznie, przychodzę z prośbą o sprawdzenie mojego listu z zażaleniem. Mam nadzieję, że ktoś wskaże popełnione przeze mnie błędy!

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with a new assortment in a school shop.
Firstly, health foods are not what everybody wants all time. Sometimes students need chocolates or sweets, when they have a bad day or mood because they did not pass a test. This kind of products are not harmful in small quantities.
Secondly, If you sell only such products, students will lose interest quickly. People love a wide selection.
But the most important problem is lack of customers. When students will not be able to buy what they want in school shop, they will start buying in grocer’s or baker’s near to school, eventually they will take breakfast from home.
As far as I am concerned, you should pay more attention for the needs of the students. You must remember that everyone should be able to choose what they want to eat. I would suggest re-introduce unhealthy food, then you would not to worry about money and probable closure of the store. And I think It would be a good idea to have enlarge the list of products and set their reasonable prices.
I hope that this letter will lead to a discussion about this problem.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours faithfully.
XYZ
Nie mam doświadczenia więc moje uwagi potraktuj z dystansem ale
wydaje mi się, że powinno być in the school shop zamiast a school shop bo masz na myśli
jakiś konkretny. Nie health foods lecz healthy foods. Students will lose THEIR interest.
A lack of customers.
"When students will not be able to buy what they want in school shop, they will start buying"
To brzmi jak pierwszy conditional a zatem w pierwszym członie powinien być Present Simple
students aren't able

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