list formalny - czy są błędy?

Bardzo proszę o sprawdzenie mojego listu formalnego. Posiedziałam trochę nad tym ale jak sądzę są w nim błędy - pewnie nawet sporo..


Wrocław, 28th April 2008
Dear Mr Smith,

My name is XYZ and recently(30.03.2008) I buy in yours web shop mobile telephone brand name Sony Ericsson K550i - number remittance 1234567. Unfortunately phone is broken.

I receive parcel with inchoate packet. In package fall short of lack headphones and battery back up.

In my opinion this telephone is out of order because immediately after activate him he single-handedly exclude and he is not working.

In this situation please about a full refund and I am really disappointed about shopping in yours web shop - "Mobilephone.com"

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
XYZ


Dzięki wielkie za pomoc;))

troch data mi się przesunęła ale wiem, że ma być w prawym górnym rogu;]

My name is XYZ and recently(30.03.2008) I 'buy' (tutaj czas przeszly- czas. niereg.) 'in' (lepiej FROM 'yours' YOUR web shop A mobile telephone brand name Sony Ericsson K550i - number OF THE remittance IS 1234567 (mozna tez - receipt no.xxxx).
Unfortunately THE phone is broken.
I 'receive' (tutaj czas przeszly) THE parcel with 'inchoate' (nie znam tego slowa) packet. In THE package 'fall short' (moze lepiej to na koncu) 'of lack' (niepotr) headphones and THE battery back up WERE NOT INCLUDED.
In my opinion this telephone is out of order because immediately after
activate 'him' ('telephone' to nie rodzaj meski? tutaj IT) 'he' (niepotr) single-handedly 'exclude' (czas przeszly (tutaj cos brakuje) and 'he' IT is NOW not working.
In this situation please 'about' (to slowo tutaj nie pasuje - lepiej CONSIDER a full refund (of the cost) and (please be aware that) I am really disappointed 'about' WITH shopping in 'yours' YOUR web shop - "Mobilephone.com"

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