essay IELTS

Temat przeniesiony do archwium
hej to moj autorski esej,, bardzo prosze o ocene.. jak myslicie ile punktow IELTS moglabym zdobyc za to?

Use of legal and illegal drugs is pretty common in modern society. Most adolescents have tried them or they will try in nearest future. Sociologist attempt to find solution and causes of this situation, but it is complex phenomenon . I will discuss this issue in my essay.
There are many possible causes of early use of drugs. One of them is emotional negligence. Many parents don’t pay enough attention to own children, they are overwhelmed by work. Thus, the youngsters seek for their attention using drugs or they simply need some adventure if they feel really bored.
The very important factor is also peers’ pressure. Teenagers don’t listen to their parents and they are resistant whereas their friends’ opinion is crucial. And they are not able to refuse if they are talked into taking drugs.
Use of drugs leads to serious effects such as health problems, addiction which are extremely difficult to treat. Next sad effect is that teenagers cant imagine entertainment without drugs so when they become adults, they will probably still use stimulants and set a bad example to next generation.
It is difficult to find satisfying solution for this problem. One advice might be that parents should spend much time with their teenage children, , know their needs and problems and try to sort them out. Adults might make youngsters interested in some hobbies or outdoors activities then teenagers stop looking for dangerous adventure.
What is also essential, government should ban selling those legal substances using as drugs, the less legal drugs in society the most teenagers who don’t have easy access to them. Moreover, all drug dealers should be punished to avoid distribution of illegal drugs.
Drug abuse seems to be very complicated issue and difficult to struggle with, but it is necessary to fight with this problem to prevent youth and save their lifes
Most adolescents have tried them or they will try (ale CO?) in (brak przedimka) nearest future. Sociologist attempt to find (brak przedimka) solution and causes of this situation, but it is (brak przedimka) complex phenomenon . I will discuss 'this' (nie za bardzo rozumiem do czego to 'this' sie odnosi-czy do complex situation?) nie jest jasne) issue in my essay.
Many parents don’t pay enough attention to (tu brakuje slowa) own children, they are overwhelmed by work. Thus, the youngsters seek 'for' (calkowicie nie rozumiem tego slowa tutaj) their attention (tu brakuje slowa) using drugs or they simply need some adventure if they feel really bored.
The very important factor is also 'peers’' (zle tu powinno byc PEER) pressure. Teenagers don’t listen to their parents and they are resistant (ale do CZEGO?) whereas their friends’ opinion is crucial.
Use of drugs leads to serious effects such as health problems(,) (nie za bardzo rozumiem uzycie tego przecinka, i tutaj pasuje AND) addiction which are extremely difficult to treat. Next (brak przedimka) sad effect is that teenagers 'cant' (ortog) imagine entertainment without drugs so when they become adults, they will probably still use stimulants and set a bad example to (brak przedimka) next generation.
It is difficult to find satisfying solution 'for' (zle slowo) this problem. One advice might be that parents should spend 'much' (zle slowo) time with their teenage children, know their needs and problems and try to sort them out. Adults might make youngsters interested in some hobbies or 'outdoors' (popraw) activities (tu cos brakuje) then teenagers (tu cos brakuje) stop looking for dangerous adventure.
What is also essential(tu brakuje 2 wyrazy) government should ban selling those legal substances (tu breakuej slowa) 'using' (zle slowo) as drugs, the less legal drugs in society 'the' (nie rozumiem uzycia tego slowa tutaj) most teenagers who don’t have easy access to them. (cale zdanie cos nie tak)
Drug abuse seems to be (brak przedimka) very complicated issue and difficult to struggle with, but it is necessary to fight 'with' (nie rozumiem uzycia tego slowa tutaj-kalka z polskiego) this problem to prevent youth (ale od czego? musisz napisac) and save their 'lifes' (sprawdz jak sie pisze l. mnoga od 'life')
dzieki :) za poprawe :) widze ze musze sie jeszcze pomeczyc z poprawa:) a na ile punktow w skali IELTS bys to ocenila?
Adults might make youngsters interested in some hobbies or outdoor activities (tu cos brakuje) then teenagers (tu cos brakuje) stop looking for dangerous adventure
czy poprawnie jest
Adults might make youngsters interested in some hobbies or outdoor activities SO then teenagers WILL stop looking for dangerous adventure

po poprawie:
What is also essential is that government should ban selling those legal substances which are used as drugs, the less legal drugs in society 'the' more teenagers don’t have easy access to harmful substances.

to jak poprawnie napisac walczyc z czyms/ z kims?



What is also essential is that government should ban THE SALE 'selling' (dlatego, ze w twoim zdaniu wygladalo jakby Government sam sprzedawal te rzeczy, a tego chyba nie miales na mysli) OF those legal substances which are used as 'drugs' DRUG SUBSTITUTES, AS WHEN THERE ARE 'the' (niepotr) less legal drugs in society 'the' more teenagers 'don’t' WILL NOT have easy access to harmful substances.
(to zdanie cos nie za bardzo dobrze sie czyta, bo troche sensu zgubilo, - jak bedzie mniej prawdziwych drugs, to..... i tutaj cos nie tak

to jak poprawnie napisac walczyc z czyms/ z kims?


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