Byłabym bardzo wdzięczna gdyby ktoś mi sprawdził rozprawkę.

Tak jak w temacie, napisałam rozprawkę na temat : "W dzisiejszych czasach, młodzież rozpoczyna karierę muzyczną lub aktorską coraz
wcześniej. Napisz rozprawkę przedstawiającą dobre i złe strony tego zjawiska." dodam, że chciałabym zdawać maturę rozszerzoną z angielskiego i chciałabym wiedzieć na czym mam się skupić.. czy idzie mi to jakoś? z góry dziękuję i pozdrawiam :)

Nowadays, a lot of young people starts music or acting career. They would like to feel more independent and comfortable in the real world. But it caused situations which aren’t positive for their future. That situation touches more and more adolescents.
Firstly, famous and being recognizable are very fashionable in twenty first century. Everybody is dreaming about being like stars from Hollywood. Frequently, many people thinks if they are on the first page in newspapers, they will be cooler than another.
In addition, Young people perfectly knows that famous equals money. You couldn’t singing very well to do music career. The most important is that everyone is talking about you. It caused that you are probably interesting person and media promotes you in papers, television, radio or on the net and then… You are earning.
On the other hand, students who are thinking about the next education, more often looking for other chance to making money and resign from learn . They believe it is possible doesn’t having a good education and be somebody who is rich and admired. It is sad that some part of us chooses that easy way.
Moreover, being celebrity isn’t even pleasant as teens thinks. A large group of stars aren’t happy because of the pressure which caused that everybody is watching on their behaviors. They cannot feel free like ordinary people. Some of them have problems with themselves and need the specialist assistance for example psychologist.
To sum up, everything has good and bad sides. Wealth makes people more happy and they forget about a lot of problem which money solves. But we should always remember about another values like realizing our dreams and being yourselves.

Witaj,
We wstępie zaznaczyłeś, że są tylko złe aspekty wczesnej kariery i tylko to rozwinąłeś tak na prawdę w kolejnych akapitach. Musisz wyraźnie nakreślić we wstępie że ludzie zaczynają kariery wcześniej i są z tego konkretne pozytywy ale również ujemne strony co może powodować to a tamto. Oczywiście zawierasz to w 3-4 zdaniach i przechodzisz do omawiania najpierw + (i pamiętaj o tzw. zdaniu wprowadzającym do każdego akapitu, który później logicznie rozwiniesz) a potem minusów. W zakończeniu podsumowujesz i możesz wyrazić swoją opinię.
Popraw pracę pod względem merytorycznym
Również jest tam sporo błędów językowych.
pozdrawiam
H.

1. Firstly, famous and being recognizable are very fashionable in twenty first century.
- Firstly, being famous and recognizable is...
2. Frequently, many people thinks if they are on the first page in newspapers, they will be cooler than another. - people think..... - cooler than others.
3. Young people perfectly knows that famous equals money.
- Young people perfectly know that being famous equals having money (albo: fame equals money)
4. You couldn’t singing very well to do music career. - You don't have to sing very well to do music career.
5. It caused that you are probably interesting person.
- nie wiem co miałaś na myśli. "To spowodowało, że Ty jesteś być może interesującą osobą"?
6. On the other hand, students who are thinking about the next education, more often looking for other chance to making money and resign from learn .
- students who were thinking about continuing their education, more often decide to start earning money and quit learning.
7. They believe it is possible doesn’t having a good education and be somebody who is rich and admired.
- They believe it is possible not to have a good education and be someone rich and admired.
8. Moreover, being celebrity isn’t even pleasant as teens thinks.
- being a celebrity isn't as pleasant as teens think.
9. A large group of stars aren’t happy because of the pressure which caused that everybody is watching on their behaviors.
- pressure of being watched/observed/judged by everybody.

dziękuję bardzo za pomoc :)