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Many young people decide to take a job while they are still at school. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of such decision.

A lot of students would like to have their own money. The basic way of getting much more money is go to work. That decision has positive and negative sides.
Firstly, young people need money for various expenses of which parents aren’t aware of that. Sometimes a pocket money isn’t s enough for them and it caused looking for a job.
Secondly, everybody likes to feel more independent from parents. The best way of it is making own money. It caused that parents couldn’t control their child as before.
Moreover, the majority of students treat the job like the other kind of entertainment. It is an occasion to meet new friends and people who could help in finding new skills and interests.
On the other hand, in this circumstances students usually don’t have enough time for learning. The upshot is that they get worse marks which might not be accepted by parents.
Besides, young working students cannot afford to spend lot of free time with friends or for entertainment . They have much more duties of which they are responsible.
Furthermore, working makes that young people become adults faster. The school years are the best and carefree so everybody should enjoy themselves as long as possible.
To sum up, each student wants to have money for everything but sometimes it is impossible. In that situation they are decided to go to work. We can see advantages and disadvantages of students’ work. But the most important advice is to find a good idea to combine duties and pleasures. I suggest, they should looking for a golden mean by which could realize dreams.
The basic way of getting 'much' ANY more money is (tu cos brak) go to work.
Firstly, young people need money for various expenses of which parents 'aren’t aware of that' (napisz to poprawnie). Sometimes 'a' (niepotr) pocket money isn’t s enough for them and it 'caused' (zle slowo) (ale komu?) looking for a job.
Secondly, everybody likes to feel more independent from (tu cos brak) parents. The best way of it is making (tu cos brak) own money. It 'caused' (nie, mieszasz 'caused' a 'results' pomysl co piszesz) that parents 'couldn’t' (zle slowo) control their child as before.
Moreover, the majority of students treat the job like 'the other' ANOTHER kind of entertainment.
On the other hand, in 'this circumstances' (pomysl co piszesz, 'this odnosi sie do l. poj) students usually don’t have enough time for learning.
Besides, young working students cannot afford to spend (cos tu brak) lot of free time with (cos tu brak) friends or for entertainment . They have 'much' (zle slowo) more duties 'of' (zle slowo) which they are responsible.
Furthermore, working makes 'that' (niepotr) young people become adults faster. The school years are the best and carefree (tu cos brak) so everybody should enjoy themselves as long as possible.
In that situation they 'are' (po co to 'are' tutaj?) 'decided' (zle slowo) to go to work.
I suggest, they should 'looking' (zle slowo) for a golden mean by which (kto? co?) could realize (cos tu brak)dreams.

Zauważyłam, że już któryś raz robie ten błąd z RESULT i CAUSED. Czy mogłabyś mi napisać w jakich sytuacjach mam którego używać?
cause znaczy 'spowodowac cos niekorzystnego'. Nie jest czesto uzywane. Konstrukcja to cause sbd to do sth albo cause sth
sposobow wyrazania zwiazku przyczynowego jest wiele w angielskim
jest czasownik 'make': make sbd do sth
jest wyrażenie 'as a result'=w wyniku tego
w pierwszym zdaniu z job moglas napisac
this makes them look for a job
albo
as a result, they have to look for a job
The basic way of getting 'much' ANY more money is (TO?) go to work.
Firstly, young people need money for various expenses of which parents aren’t aware of ?!. Sometimes pocket money isn’t s enough for them and THAT CAUSES THEY ARE looking for a job.
Secondly, everybody likes to feel more independent from THEIR? parents. The best way of it is making the own money.In that situation, parents lose control of the child as before.
Moreover, the majority of students treat the job like ANOTHER kind of entertainment.
On the other hand, in THESE circumstances students usually don’t have enough time for learning.
Besides, young working students cannot afford to spend a lot of free time with THE? friends or for entertainment . They have more and more duties for which they are responsible.
Furthermore, working makes young people become adults faster. The school years are the best and carefree (tu cos brak hmm?!) so everybody should enjoy themselves as long as possible.
In that situation they 'decide to go to work.
I suggest, they should find a golden mean which help their to realize the dreams.

Byłabym wdzięczna gdybyś wskazała mi teraz błędy bo sama chyba do tego nie dojdę... :)
O dzięki, już rozumiem :)
Temat przeniesiony do archwium.

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