Proszę o sprawdzenie opowiadania.

Napisz opowiadanie, którego bohater pomaga zapobiec planowanemu przestępstwu
dzięki przedmiotowi znalezionemu na ulicy.

Miałem pisać bardziej 'normalne' opowiadanie, aczkolwiek gdy byłem w połowie poczułem, że brakuje mi weny, i że byłoby to niezwykle nudne. Jakoże pracę maturalną z języka polskiego mam traktującą o mordercach, tu też postanowiłem uwzględnić ten wątek. Postanowiłem popuścić wodzę fantazji.

Eighteen years old John was going to school like everyday. Sun was shining from early morning so he thought that will be a good day.
When he walks to school he found a machete. He decided to take it because he likes movies where his favourite actors use this to kill bad people. After this his way to school was normal. When John ends his lessons in school he decided to go on a walk with his girlfriend Alexis. Weather was really nice in that day so they decided to swim in lake which was near their school. After this John decided to show Alexis what he found at the morning. She was delighted and curios because she have her own collection of machetes and sabers.
Alexis asked John that she can polish his machete. He agreed with that because he enjoys watching Alexis polishing many things because he had seen this before.
Suddenly five old men surrounded them and ask for cash. John couldn’t allow this kind of behavior. He reminded what his favourite actors were doing with machete and he decided to do the same. He made five fast slashes and in ten seconds all of the heads were laying on the ground. He saved himself and Alexis.
After all he washed machete with his girlfriend and gave it to her. She putted it in honor place in her collection.

Eighteen years old John was 'going'(to juz zaczyna byc troche 'nudne', moze lepiej...'on his way') to school 'like' (nie lubie tego slowa uzywanego w ten sposob,. wprowadzaj czytelnika w kraj wyobrazni, zeby chcial dalej czytac, moze ...just as he had done for the last X years) everyday. (przedimek, pamietaj o tych przedimkach) sSun was shining from (przedimek) early morning so he thought that (tu cos brakuje, ale ja bym to zrobila inaczej...'that it would be a day like any other') will be a good day.
When he 'walks' (zly czas, zle slowo..tutaj continuous..he was walking) 'to school' (niepotr, bo juz wiemy gdzie szedl) he found a (daj opis tej machete, mala, duza, ostra, ladna, stara) machete. He decided to take it because he likes movies where his favourite actors use 'this' (napisz machetes) to kill 'bad people' (moze daj lepsze okreslenie). 'After this' (napisz to inaczej...The rest of his journey was uneventful) 'without his way to school was normal' (niepotr). When John 'ends' ENDED his lessons 'in school' (niepotr) he decided to go on a walk with his girlfriend Alexis. (przedimek, pamietaj o nich) weather was really nice 'in' (niepotr) that day so they decided to swim in (przedimek) lake which was nearBY. 'their school' (niepotr- uzywasz slowa w ten sposob, zachowaj je na cos interesujacego). 'After this' (niepotr) THEN John decided to show Alexis 'what he found at the morning' (moze inaczej...this morning's find). She was delighted and 'curios' (blad ortog) because she 'have' (hello, tutaj she HAD) her own collection of machetes and sabers.
Alexis asked John 'that' IF she 'can' COULD polish his machete. He agreed 'with that' (niepotr) because he enjoyED watching Alexis polishing many things. 'because he had seen this before' (niepotr).
Suddenly five old men surrounded them 'and ask for' (napisz 'demanding' zrob to wiecej agresywne) cash. John couldn’t allow this kind of behavior. He 'reminded' (zle slowo, tutaj remembered, albo recalled') what his favourite actors 'were doing' DID with A machete and he decided to do the same. He made five fast slashes and in ten seconds all of theIR heads 'were laying' (zle, tutaj LAY) on the ground. (By doing this he had) saved himself and Alexis.
After 'all' (nie, napisz to opisujaco, 'the attack') he washed (przedimek) machete with his girlfriend and gave it to her (as a present?). She 'putted' (tutaj masz czas, niereg. PUT) it in (przedimek) 'honor place' (zla kol slow...place of honour) in her collection.

Dobre, ale pamietaj, ze jak ktos to czyta, to pisz to tak, zeby chcial 'widziec' co sie dzieje, uzywaj 'szybkich' slow jak piszesz o akcji.

Poprawiłem :).

Eighteen years old John was on his way to school just as he had done for the last two years everyday. A sun was shining from the early morning so he thought that it would be a day like any other.
When he was walking, he found a big machete with gold handle . He decided to take it because he likes movies where his favourite actors use machetes to kill bandits. The rest of his journey was uneventful. When John ended his lessons, he decided to go on a walk with his girlfriend Alexis. The weather was really nice that day, so they decided to swim in the lake which was nearby. Then John decided to show Alexis this morning's find. She was delighted and curious because she had her own collection of machetes and sabers.
Alexis asked John if she could polish his machete. He agreed because he enjoyed watching Alexis polishing many things.
Suddenly five old men surrounded them demanding cash. John couldn’t allow this kind of behavior. He recalled what his favourite actors DID with a machete and he decided to do the same. He made five fast slashes and in ten seconds all of their heads lay on the ground. By doing this he had saved himself and Alexis.
After the attack he washed a machete with his girlfriend and gave it to her as a present. She put it in a place of honour in her collection.

Odniosłem takie wrażenie, bo przeczytałem 2 twoje wypracowanie, że masz problem ze słownictem.
Moim zdaniem przydała by ci się praca se słwonkiem ;)

Jak piszę to właśnie staram się nie używać słownika, bo przecież na maturzę nie użyję. Ale doszedłem do wniosku, że lepiej sprawdzać podczas pisania, bo się czegoś nauczę.

przeczytaj sobie o:
Compound modifiers that modify a noun

John is eighteen years old.
Eighteen-year-old John is

Eighteen-year-old John is ....tak, to przegapilam.

@TheWitcher, za bardzo lubisz slowo "decided" ktore powtarzasz w czterech zdaniach pod rzad.

Ok, postaram się nauczyć innych. Wielkie dzięki za pomoc :) !

Niektore slowa sa napisane w AmE wersji, byc moze nauczyciele nie uwazaja to jako blad.

Uzywanie BrE albo AmE nie jest bledem, ale wtedy to musi byc w calej powiesci, nie mozna uzyc 'theater' a pozniej 'lift' na elevator.

O to wlasnie biega w tej pracy.