opinion essay - uprzejma prośba o sprawdzenie

Nowadays, the internet has a big impact on many aspects of our lives. It is often said that parents should inspect all of their children's activities on the internet. Despite the many dangers resulting from the usage of the internet, in my opinion at no time ought to be children's activities on the internet controlled by their parents.
First of all, too much interference in the activities of children on the web could cause that children realize that their parents do not trust them and consequently, children could act in the same manner towards their parents. Moreover, it is generally agreed that the internet is a main communication tool nowadays and verification of children's activities on the internet may disturb them in the effective communication and have a negative impact on their children's social life.
Furthermore, many psychologists and pedagogues claim that young people need privacy to the proper growing up and children who are too much controlled by their parents often rebel and argue with their parents. In addition, young people could look for a ways to cheat their parents which would be very negative phenomenon.
On the other hand, without doubt, on the internet there are many dangers, for instance: pornography, violence, online shopping, malware and viruses. Last but not least, strictly control of children's action on the internet could cause that children adopt a habit of a reasonable using the internet and avoiding dangerous websites.
To sum up, in my opinion parents should try to encourage their children to avoid dangerous websites and show negative aspects of it rather than control all of their children's activities on the internet.

Pierwsze, co ty robisz po nocach zamiast spac? Jez. ang. musi byc b. wazny dla ciebie.

OK - ale przydaloby sie napisac jaki wiek dziecka masz na mysli (children), bo inaczej robi sie z 5cio latkiem, a inaczej z 16to latkiem.
Nowadays, the internet has a 'big' (to jest za niskie slowo, potrzeba cos takiego jak 'tremendous') impact on many aspects of our lives. It is often said that parents should 'inspect' (ok, ale moze sa lepiej odpowiedniejsze slowa) all of their children's activities on the internet. Despite the many dangers resulting from the usage of the internet, in my opinion at no time 'ought to be children's activities on the internet controlled by their parents' (to wyglada dla mnie pokrecone - trzeba jasniej napisac...children's activitie ought...).
First of all, too much interference in the activities of children on the web could 'cause' (nie, bo o czym mowisz to 'result' a nie 'cause') that children realize that their parents do not trust them and consequently, children could act in the same manner towards their parents.
Furthermore, many psychologists and pedagogues claim that young people need privacy to the 'proper' to jest takie nijakie slowo, poszukaj wicej scientific slowa) growing up and children who 'are too much controlled' (wg mnie zla kol slow) by their parents often rebel and argue with their parents. In addition, young people could look for 'a' (niepotr) ways to cheat their parents which would be very negative phenomenon.
On the other hand, without doubt, on the internet there are many dangers, for instance: pornography, violence, online shopping, 'malware' (czy to nie jest malaware?) and viruses. Last (ja bym tu dala przecinek) but not least, 'strictly' (zla czesc mowy, tutaj 'a strict') control of children's action on the internet could 'cause' (nie, poszukaj wicej odpowiedniego slowa, to co piszesz to jest 'result' ich actions) that children adopt a habit of a 'reasonable using' (cos tu nie tak re-word) the internet and avoiding dangerous websites.

Jestem w klasie maturalnej, więc staram się spędzać sporo czasu na ćwiczeniu angielskiego. :)

Nowadays, the internet has a tremendous impact on many aspects of our lives. It is often said that parents should control all of their children's activities on the internet. Despite the many dangers resulting from the usage of the internet, in my opinion at no time children's activities on the internet ought to be controlled by their parents. - tutaj nie wiem, wydawało mi się, że wcześniej było dobrze chciałem postawić tezę z inwersją.
First of all, too much interference in the activities of children on the web could result in (myślałem też o bring about, byłoby dobrze?) that children realize that their parents do not trust them and consequently, children could act in the same manner towards their parents. Moreover, it is generally agreed that the internet is a main communication tool nowadays and verification of children's activities on the internet may disturb them in the effective communication and have a negative impact on their children's social life.
Furthermore, many psychologists and pedagogues claim that young people need privacy to the normal(appropriate, correct, right?) growing up and children who are overly(excessively?) controlled by their parents often rebel and argue with their parents. In addition, young people could look for ways to cheat their parents which would be very negative phenomenon.
On the other hand, without doubt, on the internet there are many dangers, for instance: pornography, violence, online shopping, malware(tutaj sprawdziłem i wszędzie jest tak) and viruses. Last, but not least, strict control of children's action on the internet could result in (tutaj to samo) that children adopt a habit of a appropriate using the internet and avoiding dangerous websites.
To summing up, in my opinion parents should try to encourage their children to avoid dangerous websites and show negative aspects of it instead of controlling all of their children's activities on the internet.

Tej różnicy między cause a result nie bardzo rozumiem, mogłabyś mi wytłumaczyć?